‘Twas the Night before the night before Christmas in the merriest town,
Richard’s sat in the nick wearing grumpy cat’s frown.
Beside him is Tom feeling sad for himself
He should never have trusted that creep on that shelf.
Along with the two there’s a third it is said,
As a flickering light gleamed and danced off Ad’s head.
What a sad little trio, but how could this be?
They were all there for crimes against Christmas you see.
Earlier that Evening….
Richard looked at his phone and it filled him with dread.
‘Exchange presents tonight? xx ’ it said on the thread.
No time to do shopping, his boss was a dick,
So he’d better start thinking and start thinking quick.
He looked down at his desk, piled high with his work,
But to go with no present, he’d look like a jerk.
So away to the Apple store, his coat he did carry
A new iPhone 6 would make his girlfriend so merry!
And down the same road Adam walked with a frown,
He’d misjudged the dress code for the ‘Ho Ho Ho Down’!
The cruel shoes he chosen made him walk with a limp,
Still, he looked like a cop impersonating a pimp.
Now, Tom was at home with a drink in his hand
He’d just finished watching the Kazoo and Pipe Band.
When up on the shelf there arose a loud clatter
He sprang from his futon, ‘What the hell is the matter?’
But all that was there was a creepy old elf,
Who sat very still looking pleased with himself.
It was way too quiet on this Christmas Eve Eve
So the elf had some mischief stuffed up his striped sleeve.
‘Children like Santa’, the elf piped up.
Tom’s face contorted as he gasped, ‘What the F***?’
‘Come with me and we’ll give the children a treat!”
The elf exclaimed, landing firm on his feet.
The alcohol swam warm through every wee vein.
And he was sure it was this that affected his brain.
‘If you insist, I’m up for some fun!’
So he followed the elf and the elf he did run.
He ran down the High Street with the fastest of gate
As Tom ran fast to keep up with his mate.
They arrived at the town’s Merry Christmas display,
And elf quickly stopped and said, ‘Now, let us play!’
Elf reached up his sleeve for his Swiss army knife,
‘What are you doing?’ Tom shouted in strife.
‘My tricks are not bad!’ said the Elf with a grin.
‘Santa will fly, let the fun now begin!’
Before Tom could stop him he cut all the tethers
And the Town’s giant Santa rose up like a feather.
Away like a jet it flew like a flash.
A lamppost went over and a hedge it did smash.
Then what to Ad’s bloodshot eyes it appeared
An inflatable Santa with a hedge for a beard.
It was coming right for him with Tom in pursuit
He was then swept along by Santa’s big boot.
It flew down the High Street like a big bird of prey
As people were shouting ‘Get out of the way!’
It looked like a horrible site to behold
As it flew in through the Apple shop’s door it is told.
It Zigged and it Zagged as it flew to get free,
But the Apple shop doesn’t have windows, you see.
Flying Santa or not, Richard cursed these wee tricks
He was not leaving there without a new iPhone 6.
He ducked and he dodged Santa’s crazed wild flight
Grabbed the phone that he wanted and ran into the night.
But the Police were there waiting for the thing to deflate
Poor Richard just couldn’t believe his own fate.
So the 3 of them sit in a cold prison cell
Not fully believing this new kind of hell
On a shelf sits an Elf with a very black soul
Because this Elf hangs out at a different North Pole.